May 3, 2012
When I realized the stutter in my boys’ speech wasn’t “normal,” I scrambled to learn all I could.
Michelle took these pictures of the boys last summer, after their second birthday. I adore their glittering eyes, their cheeks and curls, the lawnmowers they pushed for hours last season, and the sock monkeys that sleep in their cribs.
And that is the reality, isn’t it? We can’t always give our children equal amounts of time, energy, or whatever it is they
might need. Sometimes one (or two) will require more from us than others. And that is okay. We do what is required to keep them an intact part of the family.
strengthen us to do things we could never do on our our own.
I’m still figuring out how to bridge the gap between who I am and who I need to be. I’m still stretching to know how to harness that enabling power.
Maybe it is about letting go of my own will, peeling the burden away from my uptight shoulders and laying it across His. Maybe it means sluffing off the unimportant, making time for more conscious prayer, and asking Him to change me
rather than my circumstances. Maybe it is different for each of us. But knowing it is there, and available, is the first step.
I trust in the definition of grace. I trust that strength, love, and attention can come from sources seen and unseen to fill in where we lack. I trust that Christ can liberate us from the straining at perfection, rid us of the guilt that comes from thinking we are never enough.
Today I watched my boys playing together in the backyard, running their cars over stumps and brick walls, chatting fluidly with each other. I felt complete satisfaction and happiness over who they are, right now. And I can only assume
God feels the same about us.
So we come to him, just as we are. We meet him, open-palmed and asking. Because beneath all our imperfect words and deeds and trying, his mercy and love will be what rises.
And that, my friends, is enough.
Melanie Sharp
Thank you for pointing me to Him. I am struck by the infinite power of really digging deep to truly "practice" my beliefs and convictions in a meaningful, practical way. It changes everything. Often, more than changing what I'm doing, I just need to change the way I'm doing it. That requires purifying my heart, focusing my intentions, and remembering that the burdens of life don't have to be mine to carry alone. If I am yoked with my Savior in all things, then the burdens are already ours to share. I just have to submit and allow Him to work with and in me.
(I sent you a personal e-mail "introducing" myself and thanking you for your blog. I figure now I should just start commenting every once in a while!)
catharvy
Melanie – Funny enough, I began an email to you several nights ago because I've been meaning to respond to you for weeks and weeks now. I will finish it up tomorrow. Your words were a huge lift to me. They were beautiful. This is such a wonderful insight: "I just have to submit and allow Him to work with and in me." I think other readers will benefit from your comments. Love to you.
Angie
Oh this post is so timely for me. Thank you. My husband is traveling a great deal. We gather around the computer for Facetime each night and the children tell him about their day, we say family prayers and that is their only interaction with their dad. This schedule means that I need to be mom and dad for my kidlets right now and I'm sorely feeling the "not enough"–even less enough than normal, because DH is gone. There are issues with each child as they act out in their own non verbal protests of his absence and I struggle to seek the best answers. I am so often at a complete loss.
And then I had a heart to heart with my sobbing 13yo daughter tonight who has made some poor choices in an effort to convey the illusion of perfection (perfect grades, perfect choir performances, perfect church leadership, perfect school leadership) even when she was having multiple migraines and clearly unable to be perfect any longer. She's a good kid and is bracing herself to deal with the poor choice and move on. We talked about not being perfect and that being okay. She gets her migraines from me; she gets her desire to appear on top of it all (all the while drowning) from me.
I didn't realize until today that we had moved on to the second phase of this subject in my parenting–not only must I diligently access the enabling powers of the Atonement for myself, but I must vocally share those efforts and teach my children what I am doing, so they can follow. It is a strange threshold to cross from where our children need to believe we are safe and invincible: the strong protectors from all the monsters of the night, to where our children need to know that we are human: struggling and trying, failing and frail, seeking out divine and mortal help at each turn.
"So we come to him, just as we are." I love that simple powerful line. That is all we can do, all we should do, all we must do.
catharvy
Angie – Wow. You elevated this topic to an entirely new level. How to transfer this understanding to our children. No doubt your darling teenage daughter is blessed to have you as her mother. She might get her migraines from you, and her desire to appear in control (who doesn't have this?) but she is also getting from you a marvelous tutoring in the real challenges of mortality and the power/divine strength that is available to her. I feel for you, with your husband gone so much. I know how it is to go the long stretch, day after day, without your spouse to spell you and share the load. It is not easy, at all. But we do what is required. Prayers for you as you negotiate each day. I trust God will inspire you as needed and strengthen you each time you ask. Thanks for your wonderful comment. Blessings my friend.
Monica
We have to believe that there is a plan even for our children. He knew who and how we are and still He sent these children to us. All these plans for all people on this earth is woven together in an amazing tapestry that we can not see now and we have to believe that our childrens plans is running the way they should. Sure we shall do our best but that is just it, we can not do more than our best. As we learn more we can do better.
we had our oldest child when we were 23 and our youngest when we were 44 and those 21 years has made a BIG difference in our parenting skills. Sometimes me and my DH has asked ourselves "why does God make us have children when we are young and unexperienced?". There must be a reason for that. As well as we shall be merciful to others we must be so to ourselves too and yes, his mercy is sufficient enough even for us.
catharvy
Monica – so wisely put. I can only imagine the evolution over 21 years of parenting. I wish the "then" me could inform the "current" me of all she knows. Thanks for your sentiments – they are full of faith and understanding. Best wishes.
Elizabeth
This "straining of perfection" and the supplication to be changed (as opposed to just being dealt a different hand)? Lovely, lovely thoughts for me this morning.
I know I have days when I feel like a total failure, or not as good a mother in this way as so-and-so is, but I do know that God sent my children to me to be their mother, and that is a vote of His confidence in my mothering. Even though it is far from perfect, sometimes quite strained, and other times, full of love. But I know He knows that, and so grateful for your reminder today (and Sis. Beck's) that He has also planned for those mistakes, made up for them thru the atonement.
We love these kids of ours deep down into our bones and hope more than we can express for them, but we make plenty of mistakes, too.
Thanks for being so personal and for sharing your convictions so beautifully. I feel beyond certain that you ARE enough, and that you were chosen to be their mother and create their home because God knew you would be the best mother for them and would create a haven of beauty, love, and truth. It's obvious to me that you are doing that, and that you are giving everything you have to make that happen. THAT is enough. THAT is love.
And, I love that you wear lipstick.
Mindy
Thanks, Cath. I needed this today.
Kathryn
Oh, Cath. I wish you were my next-door neighbor and could remind me of this every day. I'm going to come back and read this again. And maybe again.
And DANG, Michelle did an amazing job on those pictures. You look gorgeous and the boysies are impossibly delicious.
corinne
Cath, lovely lovely. I want to comment more but I'd rather do it in person. So great to see you guys last week – TRavis tells me he and doug picked a date to get together. CAn't wait! xoxo
catharvy
Yes, so fun to see you last Saturday. I'm glad we FINALLY have a date to get together. Can't believe baby boy 3 is coming this summer! Congrats! Somehow, your original comment filtered into my email. And I just want to say I agree with you – the semantics are problematic. I wondered if I ought to explore that in my post, discuss the difference between "not being enough" and "being good enough." Because they are different. And sometimes I think we confuse "enough" with "perfection" – especially when we feel we aren't measuring up. From a psychologist's perspective (would have loved it if you would have expounded here), it's probably way more healthy mentally for us to stop demanding so much of ourselves and just be content with "good enough." Anyhow, we will definitely talk more in person. I would love to be illuminated by your wisdom. Love you Corinne! xo
corinne
ah cath, you are so sweet. glad i checked back to see if you had commented. glad you understood what i meant when i wrote it… i ended up deleting it because i feel pretty fuzzy brained lately (pregnant) and wasn't sure if it came across the way i meant it. i agree with you 100% on the perfection thing – it is so problematic at times! i think the less we evaluate, compare, and judge ourselves the more room we have to be curious, open and gracious – which ultimately opens us up to grow more than any sort of judgment or condemnation does (that typically is paralyzing!) love you back, i feel like those 5 kids are so danged lucky to have you… and can't wait to see you guys!
Lynley
Catherine I think you are a brilliant, wonderful mother! Thank you for your inspiring words!
catharvy
Elizabeth – you are a fabulous cheerleader. I would want you in my corner every time. I love this, "He has planned for our mistakes" – it's all part of the mortal journey, isn't it? But yes, under it all we love those kids "deep down into our bones." And the lipstick? Yep, I do wear lipstick. Every day. And I color my hair, every few weeks. 😉
Mindy – Blessings.
Kathryn – There will be times in the future I'll have to return to this myself. I believe it's a lesson we learn and learn again, but in a slightly different way. And yes, isn't Michelle the most incredible photographer. She can make anyone look good. 😉
Lynley – You're so sweet to stop here and read. I adore you. And can't wait for you to be "just up the street." xo
kara jayne
oh cath. i'm continually amazed at how true your words ring to me every post. thank you. i'm sitting here just itching to be running that pipeline with you and michelle again. july? i'll be there all month.
chanel
so beautiful. so deeply felt and expressed. i have said "im not enough" a lot, and at the time meant it, but we do persevere. and He is always by us. loved the Bednar principals. i just kept thinking of the scripture about how Christ will make our weak things become strengths as we come to Him with them.
and though i know nothing about stuttering i don't believe it is anything to do with your mothering. i think it is shameful of the medical community to pawn off their incomplete understanding of the problem as a result of environmental influences. in today's fast paced world and with so many children not even at home with their mothers, stuttering would be an epidemic! Im sure with prayer and faith and continued support and love the boys will grow out of it, and if not they'll have the BEST mom ever supporting them and helping them.
thanks again, for your openness and ability to lift us and exemplify a faithful mother. i think you're amazing!
Kerri
Oh, Cath, so funny…just noticed I posted as Kathryn…my 9 year old. I'm sure she'd think you were wonderful and would make a great neighbor, too, and she probably would agree that Michelle's pics are great, but those sentiments were my own.
Mormon Women: Who We Are
Beautiful, powerful truth. My quest right now is to learn to let go and trust God and His grace more in my life. Thank you for this post. It's just what I needed to read. (And read again, I'm sure.)
~Michelle
Stephie
Its so easy to blame ourselves as mothers for anything and everything our children struggle with. I feel guilty for everything! Thank you for reminding us to "come as we are" to the Lord and draw upon his strength. My mother always tells me that God sends us the children He does precisely because we are the best person to help them with their challenges. I can only hope that is true. I also love Elizabeth's comment that the Lord planned for our mistakes. I have to rely on that because I make a lot of mistakes!
Also, love the pictures! Those boys are so adorable!
Kara
Oh my goodness, Cath.
Anne Marie
Cath, this is absolutely incredible. This post is truly a gift to women.
First of all, the pictures are stunning. You are gorgeous. Your boys are darling.
You are an inspiration. Your words reveal such deep desires to do good and love those who have been lucky enough to come into your life.
"We meet him, open-palmed and asking." That is a powerful image.
Much love to you this weekend. Thank you, thank you. xo
catharvy
Kara jayne – yes, the mountains here are calling you! july it is. plan on it! xo btw, talked with your darling, darling mother last weekend. she is wonderful. it is obvious to me why she has such amazing daughters!
Chanel – "in today's fast paced world and with so many children not even at home with their mothers, stuttering would be an epidemic! Im sure with prayer and faith and continued support and love the boys will grow out of it." – thank you for this – for your kind words and confidence. you are dear. love to you.
Kerri – too funny. couldn't figure out who Kathryn was. Or how she knew Michelle! 😉 Michelle and I agree, we need to get you with us on a saturday run. And I love your daughter's spelling of her name. I spelled it like that all through fifth grade. Because it worked so much better with my surname, which also started with a K. 🙂
Michelle -"let go and trust God" – such a process isn't it? Love to you.
Steph – Me too. And yes, it's too easy to blame ourselves. But I love what your Mother said, I want to believe she is right. You are wonderful. Love you Steph.
Kara – thanks for your email dearest friend. It was you who led me to the Julie Beck wisdom. Thank you again. I love you.
Anne Marie – Love to you too. I hope you're doing alright with all the busy wind-up of school, lessons, activities. Such a crazy time. I will try to email you tomorrow – wanted to respond to some of your thoughts. Thank you again for the book. xo
Tracy
You are an amazing mother, my friend. I love this message and this grace. So much.
Sharlee
What a stunning post, Catherine–the pictures, the words, the truths. My Devin (now 14) began stuttering, suddenly and severely, when he was about 2 1/2. Like you, I panicked and began devouring everything I could on the topic. We even had an early childhood intervention specialist come in to observe our home environment and to work with Devin. We all made a conscious effort to slow things down and to listen more carefully to little Devin (the youngest of five *very* verbal children). I don't know if that's what made the difference or if he just "grew out of it," but within six months, the stuttering was completely gone. You are a remarkable person and an incredible mother, and your beautiful little boys are going to be just fine.
adrienne
Cath, yes, once in a while I stalk your blog! I have been having these same feelings as of late. I have a daughter with some emotional struggles, and it has been a hard battle. She requires every last drop of energy I have to give. And sometimes, I don't feel like I have enough. And the guilt reigns supreme. I have just recently trying to reprogram my brain to be more accepting of my children the way they are, and not constantly trying to change them or make them what I feel they should be. This is extremely difficult form someone like me, a perfectionist, and an OCD maniac! I don't know about having a stuttering child, but I do know what it's like to have a child that struggles. I have an oldest child with ADD. My middle is the one with emotional issues. And every day I just pray that I am not ruining them! Thank you for your honesty! I admire you, always have!
kristib
I think it is a hard subject. I think we hurt more for our children than they do for themselves sometimes. I held my 10 year old as he cried tonight about his friends wanting to move from playing pretend games to only doing sports at recess. Let alone all the other things that come with ASD, but when he hurts, I really hurt. I also really hurt to recognize that some things – no matter what we do – will ever, in this life go away. It is these situations in our lives that are the greatest teaching, softening, humbling tools. And luckily tonight I didn't want to solve it – I just wanted to listen to him and let him know that he has a safe place to come home to. So wonderful to read your words!
Dan
Just listening today, but wanted you to know I'm listening, Cath. So glad I have ways to tune into your thoughts–thanks for taking the time to write. P.S. I'm grateful for the Lord's enabling power, too. love that article by Elder Bednar–I think I told ten people about it in the days after reading it.
LizzyP
Oops. I was signed in to my husband's account, there. It was me, Liz.
Frau Mahlzahn
Sorry, Cath, after moving into our new house, I could only get on the internet in the office (secretly, *whistleinnocently*), and didn't really have the time to catch up on your wonderful blog, ;-). But now we have internet at home, too, so I finally got to read this post.
I like the wisdom, and I like the thought that God will make up for the difference.
I believe, though, that not being enough is _the_ very point that makes us good (or good enough) mothers, because this, too, teaches our kids so much. Not that there isn't always room for improvement, and of course we need to do the best we can. But really, I don't think that as "supermoms" we'd do our kids a favor. Being the way we are makes us authentic — for one thing that's far more loveable, and for the other it prepares the kids for the outside world. Somebody, I don't remember who, wrote, that yes, our parents made mistakes, yes, we got hurt — but, hey, we learned how to deal with it and came out of it all the stronger, ;-).
So with all the love you give your children, I don't see, how that would not be the best you can do for them!
So long,
Corinna
catharvy
Tracy – your comment was sweet: "this message, this grace" – love you friend.
Sharlee – I'm so grateful for your perspective here. Thanks for sharing your experience with your son. Each positive story I hear is encouraging to me. I trust my boys will be just fine too. Love you dear lady.
Adrienne – Oh, my heart ached as I read your comment. You know this struggle, this wrestle with guilt too. It's so easy for us to assume blame when we're the primary caregiver, the one "in charge." I had no idea what challenges you've been negotiating over recent years, but I know you are not ruining your children! I've always been impressed with your calmness, your depth, your ability to see people for who they are. No doubt you are doing that for your kids. I like one of the earlier comments above, that we are who our children need. I have to trust that. And I understand the reprogramming. It's not easy. Thanks for your own honesty here, for such a personal take what can be a heavy topic. Sending you love and prayers. Wish I saw you more. Love you Adrienne.
Kristi – my old friend! I'm so grateful for your words. This was rather profound. "but when he hurts, I really hurt. I also really hurt to recognize that some things – no matter what we do – will never, in this life go away. It is these situations in our lives that are the greatest teaching, softening, humbling tools." I agree. And you have learned so much acceptance on your mothering journey. I admire all that you are and all that you do for your boys, particularly when you don't "solve the problem" but just nurture a safe place, a safe home, a safe heart. You are wonderful. I love you.
Lizzy – I'm having a good laugh this post over the erroneous user id's. 😉 And please know, your "listening" means a great deal to me. I love you.
Corinna – You moved into your new home?? Hurrah! Thanks for this excellent insight: "not being enough is _the_ very point that makes us good (or good enough) mothers, because this, too, teaches our kids so much." You're so right. Our mistakes, our imperfectness is a better ground for teaching than the facade of perfection and unrealistic expectations (of ourselves or others!) I trust that God can make all things (bad included) work for our good. Similar to what you said. Best wishes as you settle into your new home! So exciting!