Nothing Gold Can Stay

As school was starting I read something my friend Melissa wrote about time. You’ll be able to relate. The school year begins, social media feeds brim with back to school photos and you hear the same sentiment. “How did we get here? When did they grow up? Where did the time go?”

Melissa writes,

I won’t say “I don’t know where the time went” because I do. And so do you. The time went through us, and down those lurching-surging channels of anxiety and hope, fatigue and cheer, pooling right into [these children].”

Yes, right into their beings.

Everything I’ve had.

And this new season will be the same. More giving, more letting go. More mistakes and learning.

I look at this lineup and feel so humbled to be a parent.

And happy too. That we’ve made it this far. That I have hours every day to dig out from the last seven years, to get organized, tackle a few projects, take a class, feed my soul.

Eliza is eleven and in 6th grade. These three photos kinda sum up her moods. Which can disappear and reappear at any time.

Silly.

Happy. That is her gift. Happy so much of the time.

And not so happy. Some of the time.

Becoming a teenager is hard. So many changes. So many emotions. So much to navigate and figure out. My heart feels like it will rip apart some days when I’m the last person she wants to listen to. I can’t push her along anymore. It’s about encouragement, and gentle, gentle guidance. And we talk a lot about choice.

In these moments, I find letting go hard. But I trust her. I trust her interests and abilities. I trust her mind and her heart. And I trust a loving God who knows her better than I do, to hear my prayers and work with her on his terms and in his ways. I pray I can hear his whisperings when I sit on her bed at night and listen and love.

Ali is nine, 4th grade, and blessed with an astute sense of knowing. She observes others’ emotions, their faces, their words. She listens and learns wherever she is. And I love when she wants to join me on errands, stay after church with me to visit with friends, snuggle next to me on the couch. Often she generously puts her arms around my waist when she can see frustration on my face, sorrow in my eyes.

Sami is nine too. The glue in our family. She holds all her siblings close. Each adores her and has a wonderful friendship with her. She is steady and strong and constant.

The other morning I was staying with my mother while my dad was out of town and forgot it was school picture day. I hurried home to do their hair in the morning, but it was stressful and rushed, and I hadn’t filled out any of their picture forms. I asked who would be wiling to go late to school and sit in the car with me to help fill out forms. She volunteered immediately, stayed with me in my hurry and impatience, shuffling and licking envelopes. And when we finished, she gave me a big hug then ran across the field, ten minutes late for school, still smiling. I cried at her goodness as I drove away. A child teaching her mother.

And these boys. Age seven. 1st Grade. Oh, I miss our morning snuggles on the couch. Their sleepy heads and warm arms woven round mine as we pulled blankets over our legs and read stories. Now it’s out the door with them too and I ache for their company.

Spencer is a fiery one right now. Quick to erupt sometimes. But just as quick to know when he’s wrong, to apologize, and to make things right. He is very athletic, loving soccer and football, and all things Star Wars. It’s such a gift these two have each other. They very rarely argue. They look out for each other, and love each other deeply.

Gordy is tender and good. Anxious to please. And a hard worker. He still gives me the best hugs and loves to kiss my cheek before bed — eskimo, butterfly, and nuzzle style. He says the most thoughtful prayers. Always remembering friends in need by name. “Bless John’s heart to be strong on his mission, bless Emma’s brain tumor to not grow, bless Ryan’s bell’s palsy to go away, and Grandma Ronda to get stronger, and Hillary and the Stephensons, to be comforted.” His list is long and to my amazement, he remembers every name.

In early October we drove south to cheer Doug on in his sixth marathon. I keep thinking he’ll feel old and tired like me and quit racing. But not yet. I’m proud of him.

My Dad celebrated his 72nd birthday. So we made silly faces together. Because… he’s silly. And makes me laugh every time we’re together.

September brought the birth of a new cousin. Jack. Sarah’s second. He’s so precious; we love him already.

These cute girls had a lemonade stand to raise money for a water project in Africa. 4th grade global service.

September brought the most wonderful harvest of peaches. Most we ate fresh, and some we used for cobbler. With vanilla bean ice cream.

 

Maggie’s trees have been so good to us.

Mums on the front porch made me happy every time I stepped out the front door. They kind of exploded over the weeks, growing spindly and long, and full.

 

My mom feels pretty strong, despite indications from her last MRI that new tumor is likely growing.

Can you feel the love in this photo?

I could not hold it together as I watched my friend Crystalyn visit with my Mom. They talked faith. What it means to not have the miracle you want, to not receive the answer you hoped for, to have your heart break. How a higher faith is accepting and trusting that a generous, omniscient God, knows you. More perfectly than anyone else. And loves you, no matter what happens to you.

Crystalyn moved into our ward over a year ago. And she has become a sweet, sweet friend. Her Dad was just diagnosed with the most aggressive brain cancer. Bilateral Glioblastoma. Stage 4. We are grieving with her and loving her family as they walk this difficult road.

She used to live in my parents’ neighborhood and taught the best church lessons, my Mom said. As my Mom spoke, Crystalyn wrapped her arms around my Mom, laid her head on my mamma’s shoulder, and cried. In her own sorrow, she showed us what it means to lift and love.

I hit the trail yesterday. Feet and heart pounding. Every weekend the trail is different. New color adorns the hillside, new bundles of trees are barren. Clouds drift in and over the mountain tops in new patterns. No two weeks are the same.

I think. I listen. I whisper to the Lord, “teach me.” And then I try to hear what it is He needs me to know. Yesterday I felt so thankful for my healthy, healed, body. A year ago I injured my foot and missed eight months of running. To be back on the trails this Autumn resurrected a part of me. A joy that has been sleeping.