Twinspin – Comfort

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For today, the Twinspin is about Comfort.

It’s tough. I’ve never liked feeling inadequate. But you can’t ignore the numbers. Two arms with two or more little ones means not everyone is going to be held when they want to.

So let’s talk practicalities first. The reality is, it’s almost impossible to comfort two at the same time. I do it now and then. Sit on the couch and cradle one on each leg, hold one on each shoulder. It can be done. But there is usually head-bonking and leg-tangling. Or my biceps simply give out.

So, here’s how we survived the early days.

Two babies crying would have put me over the edge if we hadn’t had two swings. Even then, some days I teetered. I know some moms have done it with one. But for us, swings (plural) were the saving grace.

I kept our twins on a pretty tight feeding schedule. If I didn’t, someone else in the family didn’t get fed, dropped off at preschool, bathed, or dressed for the day. The routine was all about survival. So I figured out this little trick. Every time the boys (or girls) were ready for a nap I would put them in the swings until they started to get drowsy. When I saw their eyes fluttering, I scooped them up carefully and transferred them to their cribs. (This was part of sleep-training too. An entirely different topic.) When I had time I would snuggle and sing to a baby. But because I couldn’t do both at the same time (and they were on the same schedule), the swing acted as my other pair of arms.

Jump ahead 18 months. Our babies are now toddlers. Here’s where “mamies” come in. At our house, each child’s favorite blanket is called a “mamie.” Eliza came up with this name for her blanket one May while we were driving through Cambridge, MA. She was one year old. I was sure she was calling out “Mommy!” But when it became obvious that I was not filling her need, I reached down to the floor and picked up her blanket. Voila! She was comforted. And the word “mamie” stuck.

This picture was actually taken that very day. Eliza in Cambridge, in the car, with her mamie.

Now all three girls call their blankets mamies. And the boys (although they can’t talk yet) know exactly what we mean when we say, “where’s your mamie?”

Before twins I was worried about comfort items. Pacifiers, blankets, thumbs – you know. Some books make you think your poor child will be sucking their thumb when they pack their bags for college if you don’t nip the habit early. But while nursing Ali and Sami, I decided the combination of Eliza’s “mamie” and and her thumb was a pretty great alternative.

It’s good for children to learn how to self-comfort, find something else that is soothing besides mamma.

In our home, comfort items may have worked a little too well. Ali will choose her mamie over mommy every time. Just today she slipped off the table. (Why is it that children love to sit on, not at, the kitchen table?) I tried to pick her up to comfort her, because my hands were free. But she scrambled right out of my arms crying, “mamie! mamie!” Up went the mamie, in went her fingers (she sucks two fingers), and she was fine.

Ali’s mamie has been loved more than most in our house. It looks like that even after a washing.

I’m not saying we should encourage thumb-sucking or other oral-problem-causing devices. That’s not the point here. I guess I’m just saying, comfort items are okay. Especially when there’s not enough of you to go around. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. (Although we have thought about setting up a separate savings account for orthodontic bills.)

On the flip-side, every moment is a moment of choosing. As we turn inward and sense what is right, we can know the kind of comfort needed in a given situation. Maybe it won’t be a blanket or a binkie. It will be you. And it will mean leaving the dishes in the sink and drying your hands so you can sit on the couch for a few minutes and hold one of your babies. Maybe it will mean holding one for a few minutes, then holding the other. We can know what is right.

One of the characters in Annie Dillard’s newest novel says of her friend’s baby, “Hold him as long as you can.” And I would add, for twin moms, as often as you can.

We all have our comfort items, don’t we? My favorite sweatshirt, flannel pants, oatmeal chocolate-chip cookies, orange-spice tea. These things make my world a better, softer place. And a hug from my husband when I’m about to yank my hair out. That helps too.